Friday, September 15, 2006

Further down the pukebox

Further down the pukebox

Hi again people. Reviewing my last post on music that deserves to be chemically destroyed, I felt that I had perhaps been too harsh on certain parties. I mean, how much can you really hate one song? But then I had to sit on a coach listening to Latvian local radio for about five fucking hours whilst I was on holiday and that pretty much reminded exactly how much I would like to meet ‘Mike’ from Mike and the Mechanics and show him with the aid of a blunt cheese grater EXACTLY how much I hate that song of his with all the whistling in it.
Anyway, safe to say that my fires of musical wrath have been re-kindled, so here’s another slew of poetic vitriol aimed at those repeat offenders in pop music whose crimes I just cannot bring myself to forgive.

Toploader – Dancing in the Moonlight

I just re-read my last list and couldn’t believe I missed this one out. The sort of piss-weak white boy Stevie Wonder impersonation that Jamie Oliver used to whack on when he was knocking up a bunch of pukka paaahsta salad for his mates innit? And I know it’s cruel to judge people by their hair but their singer had the sort of barnet you just wanted to set fire to and watch him run around the room trying to put it out. Watching people dance to this toss fills me with the sort of ire even Patrick Bateman would have trouble matching.

Opus – Life is Life

Naaa na na na na. LIFE IS LIFE!!! Excuse me you vest-wearing Rudi Völler lookalike, but what the c*nting blazes is that supposed to mean??? I know you foreigners might not be top of the class when it comes to writing songs in English, but the least you could do is choose a title that actually makes fucking sense!! In case you’ve managed to avoid this particular gem of 80’s Europop for the moment, let’s just say it makes the average Eurovision entry sound like Bob Dylan by comparison. If you’re ever in a nightclub on the continent and they play this, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY and key the DJ’s car on your way out.

Flaming Lips – She don’t use Jelly

Did they do the original of this? No matter, I have enough reasons to hate these fuckweasels even if they didn’t write this particular song, what with their whiny geek anthems about Yoshi battling the pink aliens or whatever. See, I always missed the hidden beauty in this song because I couldn’t see what was so fucking clever about the kind of crazy, zany folk rock that Phoebe used to play in Central Perk. People always used to play this on the acoustic guitar at parties and it just made we want to smash the fucking thing over their head and stick on Slayer or Ice-T or something like that.

New Radicals – You get what you give

More ‘rock’ for people who think Bono ‘rocks’. Didn’t this guy use to write for Robbie Williams? And why did he always have to wear that stupid hat? This is the sort of record that should come with a free poke in the eye when you get to the checkout.

Smash Mouth – Walkin’ on the sun

I remember going to mosh clubs in the late 90’s and scarcely being able to make it through the night without having to flee from the dancefloor whilst gaggles of flat-chested Gwen Stefani wannabies bounced around to this little musical skidmark. All the guys in this band were FAT but for some reason they insisted on wearing short trousers and hanging out with skaters, making the sort of tenth rate Beastie Boys rip-offs that rightly belong on the soundtrack to some Yank teen movie about being a nerd and never scoring. I may have mentioned how I feel music and football should never be mixed, but that’s nothing compared to music and fucking SKATEBOARDS. The sort of kids who ended up skateboarding were the ones who were too fucking stupid to even manage learning how to play bass in some wanky punk band so they had to resort to pinging around on some plank on wheels to look cool. Occasionally both these heinous crimes could be combined, such as that ‘Heaven is a Halfpipe’ song – I can’t even remember who did that one, otherwise it would be in here too.

REM – Shiny Happy People

I just saw the video for this for the first time in ages, and everyone in it has this sort of smug look on their face like they’re making some kind of clever point by playing this excruciatingly irritating piece of musical hippo shite. This sounds like the sort of bollocks a bunch of Christians would come out with to try and lure you into their ‘modern worship service’ on Sunday morning! And don’t get me started on ‘Everybody Hurts’ either – if I’m ever on the brink of suicide and I phone up the Samaritans only to get put on hold while that whiny jizz streak of a song is played over the line, the only thing that’s going to delay me slitting my own wrists will be tracking down Michael Stipe so I can take him with me!!

Biohazard/ONYX – Judgement Night

OK, I may come down a bit hard on artists I take exception to as I consider them to be ‘wussies’, so to even things out let’s take a crack at some misplaced testosterone – namely, these guys who both seemed to think that the best way of making a point in their videos was to all crowd around the camera and shout about how ‘shit is fucked up’ in their neighbourhood whilst all their mates jump on each other’s heads in the background. REALLY scary guys. I like aggressive music and all that, but the novelty of watching these jarhead fuckwits gurning and showing off their tattoos wears off pretty quick.

Renaud & Axelle Red – Manhattan Kaboul

Another French entry, mainly to just point out that Renaud used to rule back in the 70s and 80s but then he got divorced, became an alcoholic and then cleaned his shit up and put out a new record. And guess what? It sucked hairy balls! Should have stayed on the sauce man! A colleague of mine claims he saw Renaud play live in the post-divorce years and says the guy cleaned out a whole bottle of undiluted Ricard over the course of a one-and-a-half hour acoustic set!! Now THAT is serious drinking!

Joshua Kadisan – Jessie

NEVER has a record been more aptly titled than this one – you might not remember this tune so basically it was song bronzed Yank twat with porn star long curly hair playing the piano on the beach. It sucked so much that the Germans kept it in the chart for over a year! What more do you need to know??

Black Lace – I am the music man

I think these guys probably deserve a last minute reprieve because their music is so indescribably crummy that it goes off the scale of crapness and almost becomes cool again. Plus, they’re from Leeds (and that’s Leeds before it was cool I might add). One of these dudes is dead but I think we can say that their legacy lives on.

Deicide – Satan Spawn the Caco Daemon

I like my death metal as much as the next guy, but even I can’t sit through this shit with a straight face. I mean, how exactly do you think sticking a bunch of ‘satanic goat noises’ on the start of the record is going to make this shit sound more ‘evil’?? This just sound like some kids’ tape about ‘Life on the farm’ before the band clatter in and Glen Benton starts singing like some 12 year old trying to burp the alphabet.

Westlife – Flying without wings

The musical equivalent of eating a plate of cold spunk.

Gay Dad – From Earth with love

Next time you hear the NME gibber on about how some bunch of 19-year old chancers from Camden are going to be ‘the next Nirvana’, you might want to slip these guys into conversation. If everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes then surely someone owes these guys about fourteen and a half, cos after about thirty seconds of this shitty, over-hyped PR exercise disguised as rock music single, all of us had realised that we had more important things to do like slowly wither away and die. And how’s that for a fucking daft name!! You were never going to walk into HMV and pick up ‘The best of Gay Dad’ were you??? Wankers!

U2 – One

Cos, y’know, we’re all one….but….get this – we’re not the same! Anyone voting this fucking insipid piece of musical diarrhoea ‘best song of all time’ needs their ears syringed. I can offer a special discount, courtesy of John’s backstreet ear clinic – how about it guys? There is no word in the English language to describe how much I hate that pretentious fucking windbag Bono – perhaps he could ask his starving friends in Africa if they have one in their language when he next jets over there to film a TV interview?

Metallica – St Anger

Alright, I should be honest here – I can’t really remember much about this song, I only heard it a couple of times when I saw them play live and maybe once more in that fuck-tedious documentary they put out to promote it. Do you think ‘Jaymz’ Hetfield circa ’89 would have approved of his future self putting out a turgid, faceless album of anaesthetised MTV rock without any guitar solos and then sitting in GROUP THERAPY SESSIONS complaining about the stress of being a musician??? He would have kicked his own arse and told himself to shut the hell up and get back to ROCKING!!! Even getting that drooling Neanderthal from Suicidal Tendencies in the band couldn’t hide the fact that this record is a load of old wank.

Tryo – L’hymne de nos campagnes

Basically this is three French hippies playing acoustics and bleating about how cool it is to hang out in the country and get back to ‘les roots’. Don’t hate it already? Just wait ‘til you see what these c*nts look like!!

Maroon 5 – Song about Jane

Let me put it this way – white MTV kiddies cannot play funk OK? Leave that shit to George Clinton, Prince, Sly Stone – none of those guys would let their music get piped over Gap clothing adverts or put out anaemic ballads that wouldn’t sound out of place on a particularly challenging episode of Dawson’s Creek. Which leads me on nicely to…..

Sixpence none the richer – Kiss me

All I can say is, that singer would sound better with a big black cock in her mouth.

50 Cent – In da Club

Who gave this witless fucking lummox a record deal? Seems all you need to do to prove your rap credentials these days is get some homeboy to pump you full of hot lead and NOT actually die. Anyone bother to check whether this guy has anything interesting to say aside from ‘I like cars, women and money’? And how about buying some trousers that fit you properly eh??

Hoobastank – The Reason

Ever see that episode of South Park where Cartman starts a Christian Rock band? I reckon these guys owe some royalties to Trey and Matt for this one. For some reason, European radio has only picked up on this one recently so now I have to hear it all the time and wonder ‘is he singing about some bird, or about Jesus’? Either way, this sort of bollocks suddenly makes Glen Benton and his goat noises sound a lot more appealing.

Enrique Iglesias – Escape

I watched the video for this on the vain hope that I was going to get to see some visual interpretation of the song involving Anna Kournikova and the handle of a tennis racquet, but alas it was not to be. Enrique, your dad rocks more than you do and he’s about ten thousand years old! Sort it out boy!

Shakira and Wycelf – Hips don’t lie

Cheesy ‘latin’ horn keyboard effects, high school Spanish chat-up lines, more incomprehensible lyrics from Shakira and sub Vanilla Ice rapping from Wycelf, it has to be the smash hit of the summer. I laid down some ground rules with my mate Dave when we were travelling that we would leave any bar that started playing this song (or indeed, the peas. Anything but the fucking peas!!).

Take That – Back for Good

I didn’t mind the early gay aerobics video years, but it all went tits up when TT started to pretend to be ‘serious’. This song was touted as their mature record, but it just sounded like a precursor of the kind of local radio shite that Robbie ended up putting out a bit later on. Give me ‘It only takes a minute’ anyday.

Mike Oldfield – Moonlight Shadow

This, for those who don’t recall, was the music played over the Dave Angel part of the Fast Show – basically a bunch of 80s drivetime soft rock folk bollocks which always seems to be on the radio when I’m in the dentists waiting room. Admittedly, it makes getting your teeth drilled seem relatively painless in comparison.

Michael Jackson – Heal the World

I might extend this to pretty much all Jacko’s stuff, which as I have pointed out in the past has not stood up to the passing of time, but this one tune in particular has to stand out for its sheer creepiness. I mean, he might have looked pretty cool doing the moonwalk or busted out a duet with Slash, but anyone who genuinely admired MJ when this one came out was grade-A gimp material if you ask me.

Terry Jacks – Seasons in the Sun

This song is so excruciatingly annoying that, much like Black Lace, I hate it so much that I almost start liking it instead. I can’t explain it. I guess you can only go on despising something for so long before it starts to win you over. Having said, I wouldn’t hold your breath on that U2 song, I suspect I may be long dead before that one creeps onto my list of favourites….