- Talk about fair-weather fans!! That’s typically fucking English – we don’t win, we don’t even want to stay and watch!! Wasn’t it funny how suddenly everyone turned into massive cricket fans overnight when England suddenly won the Ashes last year, then they all turn off just as quickly once we start to suck again! I’m surprised the
Elton John has been struck by a bout of nausea during a concert in
- Hahahahahaha!!! Serves the fucker right! Funnily enough, listening to Elton’s music has always made me want to “chunder in the toilet” as soon as it comes on the radio, so I’d expect that years of performing would have built him up a resistance to the nauseating effects of his fuck-awful primadonna piano nightmares. Obviously not. Let’s see if the catering teams on the remaining Australian dates can upstage this – I would love to read about Elton having to bolt from stage mid-way through ‘Candle in the Wind’ because he’s "got the turtle’s heed" after some dodgy sausage rolls backstage!!
- You can tell we're in the run up to Xmas when one look at the album charts reveals nothing but bloody greatest hits compilations - aside from the ones mentioned above, the rest of the top ten features the best of Jamiroquai, the best of Girls Aloud, the best of the Sugababes, the best of George Michael (AGAIN)....you have to get down to number nine to find anything 'original' (and there we're talking about Razorlight so it's probably debatable how accurate a term that it for their material....). See, the reason we get hit with a fucking avalanche of these 'greatest hits' things prior to the mad rush to buy Xmas presents for everyone is that they make the ideal gift for someone you don't really give two tosses about but feel obliged to buy a present for. So he liked that Jamiroquai song with the sliding floor video? Greatest Hits!! So your little sister spent her pocket money on one CD single by the Sugababes a couple of years ago? Greatest Hits!! So you happen to know one of the five or six people who actually liked anything George Michael released since his last career synopsis? Greatest Hits!!! Fuck it, what's the point of even promoting a new record in November/December if all the record shops want to pedal is tired old compilation albums? And while I'm not necessarily opposed to people like Jamiroquai sticking out a best of fifteen years into their career, it seems a bit rich for every pop group who can manage to make it to three albums to systematically throw out a best of like they were the Grateful fucking Dead or something. The best of Girls Aloud??? We're hardly talking about an act that's spent years redefining its sound are we? Does nobody make fucking record tokens anymore????
Regarding the top end of the chart, it is a rare day that I actually applaud the chart success of those fucking singing potatoes Westlife, but at least they were the only act in contention for the number one slot who weren't peddling a best of - having said that, their record is another bunch of cheesy old granny ballads, all of which are covers. But while I used to hate these guys with a passion, I suppose they've just been around for long enough for me to accept the fact that their neutered, hospital radio piss-drizzle will continue topping charts for years to come whether I like it or not. One request though - whoever comes up with their songs, could you maybe write the next one with a few more of those emotional walk-towards-the-audience key changes at the end? I want to see exactly how far these guys can come off their stools before the fall off the front of the stage...
Lily Allen has launched a scathing attack on the NME, accusing the
The pop star posted a blistering statement on her MySpace this week, in the aftermath of their annual "Cool List".
According to Allen, NME's editor Conor McNicholas had planned to run a cover featuring a number of the female members of the pop community that scored well in their poll.
However, they are understood to have ditched the cover, which featured the list's winner, Beth Ditto from The Gossip, in favour of a piece on Muse.
In response, Allen ranted about the decision to have "another f*cking Muse cover", before going ballistic at McNicholas' comments that "you can still rock a crowd when you're wearing stilettos."
"I mean how f*cking patronising. Is that all we are, stilleto wearing people, is that all he could say, that we brought a 'new energy' to the music scene," Lily questioned.
"Don't make me sick, we've always been here you arrogant prick, this was your chance to actually show you meant it. And instead you put Muse on the cover.
"Cause you thought that your readers might not buy a magazine with an overweight lesbian and a not particularly attractive looking me, on the front. W*nkers."
- I wouldn't normally expect myself to come down on the side of a mockney rich kid like Lily Allen in an argument, but I have to say yay to her on this one. This whole 'cool list' idea is typical of the fucking NME - the writers pretty much function along the same lines as 14 year old schoolgirls who cover their bedroom walls with posters of the latest pin-up and then rip them all down six months later claiming that they totally hate him and never even liked him in the first place anyway. But this year it appears that they consciously tried to distance themselves from the trivial nature of such an exercise by making the completely token gesture of voting an 18 stone lesbian punk singer as their 'coolest of the cool'. Great! Makes a change from the identikit scuffed trainer indie bands that generally end up in the list.
But wait, who's that on the cover? That's right, it's fucking Muse again - how diverse is that? I mean, I like Muse as much as the next man, but when you're making out like you're flying the flag for diversity in rock music, why not put your money where your fucking mouth is and stick Beth on the cover? The Gossip might make music that sounds like fucking Bis with the amps turned up louder, but if we're going for token gestures then at least make a proper go of it - it's all too easy to witter on about equality in the letters page section like a bunch of sixth form politics students, but when it comes to sticking your magazine on the racks with a lesbian salad dodger on the cover, you go back on your principles pretty fucking sharpish! WIMPS!! This reminds me of how NME and Melody Maker used to bang on about the Wu Tang Clan in the mid 90s but still refused to put them on the cover (even when they were top of the album charts) because they were scared of losing readers amongst their white indie kid fanbase - Lily was absolutely right to call this guy out for being a pussy, and even more so for pointing out his toe-curlingly patronising comments after the list came out. And while we're on the subject of Lily, I totally would - ballgowns and trainers, podgy neck and dangly earrings, too much make up and nice shiny white teeth...Plus, I think her music's pretty cool. She seems like bit of a pain in the arse, but given the chance I reckon I could teach her some manners. NME can chew on my balls if they don't want to put her on the cover. "W*nkers" indeed!!
OASIS star Noel Gallagher has told soldiers wounded in
- After the somewhat incendiary reaction to my recent post on squaddie arse-firework experiments, I will refrain from commenting on Noel’s outburst (but check out the raging debate in the comments section – I’ve never had so many posts!!). Let’s just say that Noel is good at slagging stuff off, especially when he has a new album to promote with no unreleased material on it (this is just one of his many comments in the press leading up to the release of ‘Stop the Clocks’ – the guy was taking pot shots at pretty much anything that crossed his radar. And it still didn’t get to number one!). My favourite snippets of Noelosophy are when he referred to current era Jack White as ‘Zorro on doughnuts’, and the bit on the ‘Wibbling Rivalry’ CD where he compares Liam to ‘some fucking Scouse schlepper’ for getting deported from Holland for starting a fight on the ferry and missing Oasis’ gig there. Splendid stuff! Keep sticking that boot in Mr Gallagher!