Thursday, December 21, 2006
Ho ho ho!! It's the festive season, a time for peace on Earth, goodwill to all men and, to quote my old buddy Cliff Richard, "giving, not receiving". Hur hur hur!! Not enough Xmas songs about that in my opinion!
Obviously, with this time of year normally given over to putting your differences with others aside and concentrating on the sunnier side of humanity, I should really lay off the ranting and say something a bit more positive about the world. But alas, one look at the amount of unfeasibly awful festive shite clogging up the pop charts at the minute is enough to make me want to go down to the local orphanage and piss on their Xmas pudding. No just and fair world would foist such a relentless torrent of musical turds on us at this time of year. Something must be done forthwith!!
So, without further ado I shall casually examine the prognosis for this year's Xmas Number One, attempting to separate the musical wheat from the chaff with a critic's eye for detail. Strap yo'selves in for a sleigh ride of bile and vulgarity!
El Chombo - Chacarron
Touted as the "first single to break on Youtube," Chacarron is the most-fancied novelty record in this year's race for Christmas number one.
The song's mumbled nonsense lyrics will be a sure-fire hit at Christmas parties, where even drunken office managers can sing along.
- OK, the YouTube claim may be somewhat spurious but otherwise this is a pretty cool record - I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I heard it! Basically some bald dude had the idea of doing a joke Reggaeton track with mumbled lyrics that sound like some pissed-up tramp doing Kareoke - a stroke of genius! There should be more stuff like this, daft shit that you can dance to! We haven't had a decent 'YMCA' clone in a while - c'mon record producers! Where's all the stupid kitsch dance stuff?? Surely David Hasselhoff isn't booked up doing pantomime for the whole season??
Girls Aloud - I Think We're Alone Now
Girls Aloud's seasonal offering is a cover version of I Think We're Alone Now, originally recorded by Tommy James and the Shondells in 1967.
If it hits number one on 24 December it will be the band's second Christmas number one, after Sound Of The Underground in 2002.
- I like Girls Aloud as much as the next man (well, that's one way to put it anyway) but why do they have to stick out another fucking cover version? They already put my favourite Pretenders song through the fucking mangle a couple of years back, now we get a synthetic re-hash of a track that was itself synthetically re-hashed in the late 80s by one of the prototypes of the sort of shopping mall jailbait pop muppets that have sprung up all over the planet since then. Looking back on the Tiffany version now, it embodies everything that was wrong with late 80s commercial pop - horrible freeze-dried drum noises, naff production and all the passion of your average episode of 'Saved by the Bell' (speaking of which, anyone hear about that smut video featuring the guy who played 'Screech' from that programme along with two unknown females? Apparently he graces one of them with a 'Dirty Sanchez' and everything! Is nothing sacred anymore???). This was pop music with no heart, soul or fucking balls attached to it - all the sass and danger had been chemically removed so America's rich moral ambassadors could buy the tape at Walmart for their kids to bounce around to without worrying about there being any references to Satan, masturbation or subversive literature. Do we really need reminding of this crap? Leave it in the fucking 80s I say!! Are we going to get a fucking Debbie Gibson tribute album next? Or a 'Bring back Milli Vanilli' radio campaign?? (Hang on, I forgot, one of them topped himself a few years back....guess the reunion tour's off then....).
Cliff Richard - 21st Century Christmas/Move It
Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a Cliff Richard single, and this year there is a double helping.
Bookmakers have predicted his most recent single, a duet with Daniel O'Donnell, will leap up the charts in the run-up to the holidays.
But the star is also releasing an original festive song, 21st Century Christmas, which he promises has a "clever lyric".
- Xmas wouldn't be Xmas without dozens of people squashed flat by shitface drunk businessmen driving home from their office party either! It doesn't mean it's anything positive!!! The only reason we put up with Stiff fucking Pilchard is because the dreary old c*nt has been around for so long that nobody questions his presence anymore!! He's like that smelly old friend of your dad that always comes around for a Xmas drink - nobody likes him, his presents are invariably shite and we would all be much more comfortable if he were to fuck right off for good and leave us all in peace!
Just imagine back in the late 50s/early 60s, Elvis was a pill-popping, parent-shocking Satanic envoy spreading corruption and decadence, permanently surrounded by junk food, loud music and endless groupie minge - what was Cliff doing all that time? Reading the Bible and playing fucking tennis, that's what! Anaemic, bog-tedious, sexless old crustbucket!
And as for your 'clever lyrics' about texting your list of presents to Santa, nice try at modernisation Gramps but it's a bit fucking late now! You think suddenly everyone's going to rank you as some 70-year old contemporary of Jay-Z just cos you stuck in a couple of references to mobile phones and the internet??? Bollocks and shite I say!! You can take your witty Xmas jingle and stick it sideways up your arse, you impotent, evangelical, geriatric old c*nt!! And I don't need to listen to your festive duet with Daniel O'Dungheap to know that's gonna be a load of old wank too!!
Peter Andre & Jordan - A Whole New World
Reality TV couple and tabloid stars Peter Andre and Katie Price, better known as glamour model Jordan, are aiming for the top with this charity single.
The couple originally performed A Whole New World, from Disney's Aladdin, at their wedding. So far, they have declined to sing the song floating on a flying carpet.
Andre has strong chart form, with three number one hits, but his wife failed to win public support for her Eurovision entry last year.
- Oh that's just what we need - another duet, this time between that opportunistic fucking knucklehead Andre and his plastic trollop of a wife - perhaps the only person in showbiz who has less talent that he does! These two should be making up both ends of a fucking pantomime horse round about this time of year, not pestering us with poxy pop records! Fuck off the pair of you!!!
Take That - Patience
The world's oldest boy band - surely they're a man band by now? - released this comeback single in November.
It quickly ascended to the top of the charts, giving the group their ninth chart-topper in 15 years.
The single has claimed its fourth week at number one, but can the foursome seal their return with the coveted seasonal crown?
- Anyone remember when 'Babe' got knocked off the top of the charts by Mister fucking Blobby back in the early 90s? Hahahaha!! If I recall correctly, TT have never had a Xmas number one, thought they came close that one time. Having said that, East 17 (or the 'Happy Shopper Take That') managed it with 'Stay Another Day', which was the gayest thing they ever did but I suppose it was quite festive all the same. There are a couple of other Xmas hits back in the charts again on the re-release schedule - 'Fairytale of New York' and 'Merry Xmas Everybody', both examples of cracking bands sticking out great Xmas records a fair way into their career and using their already established style to good effect. Slade and the Pogues both kicked big hairy arse back in the day and these two tunes have both done the rounds for years on end now, yet people still wanna go out and buy them. See any difference with the sort of shite they're serving up these days? You think anyone's gonna remember Shayne Ward in fifteen years? Even his fucking mum will have forgotten that record by Xmas 2010!! Worthless, disposable fucking crap!
Leona Lewis - A Moment Like This
Leona Lewis was only crowned the winner of X Factor on Saturday night, and her debut single is already available as a download.
Based on previous years, it will be among the biggest-selling records of the year, despite the record not hitting the shops until Wednesday - and a hot tip to top the festive rundown.
And if you think you've heard the song before, you're right - American Idol Kelly Clarkson released it as her US debut single in 2002.
- Well I think we can say that we've saved the best for last with this one - it only got released yesterday and apparently it's already a dead cert for Xmas Number One, if not best-seller of the year. And no, I haven't heard it but that's beside the point - when the music is so obviously second fiddle to the gargantuan marketing campaign around this record, why bother listening to the fucking thing? I remember a day not too long ago when the race for the prestigious Xmas No 1 slot was halfway exciting, and there were often several not entirely-shit records in competition for the prize. Infact, even if the records themselves were a load of crap, at least you paid attention to what was selling the most just out of interest - it's always revealing to see what comes out on top.
But no, after years of boy/girl bands hi-jacking the competition, we are now in the era of Simon Cowell talent show gimps systematically topping the charts with some cack-arsed kareoke bollocks that sounds like a fucking Michael Bolton B-side. If it weren't enough having to deal with this yuppie c*nt bombarding us with his excruciating TV talent shows, we now have to surrender the pop charts over to him at a time when they've historically been a chance for countless different songwriters to have a crack at making a half-decent Xmas record. Let's face it, there have been some killer Xmas tunes over the years : John Lennon, Greg Lake, all the Glam Rock tunes, Pretenders, that Darkness one about bellends and bumholes, even the original Band Aid track was pretty good - above all, they at least a bit of personality to them. You wanna show my where all that character is in the X-Factor records?
I've had it up to here with this self-satisfied prick and his little pop music 'experiments' - Cowell treats pop music like a fucking stockbroker, like the most important thing for him is to be able to pat himself on the back for another wise investment rather than actually create anything containing even vague traces of artistic merit. I would rather bang nails into my fucking head than watch these gut-wrenchingly soulless TV popularity contests, where we're supposed to rally behind some bird from the supermarket checkout just because she can do a half-decent Mariah Carey impression - who buys into this shit? There's a perfectly good reason these vapid, gormless nobodies didn't become pop stars in the first place, it's because they are DULL AS FUCK!! I don't care how many fat fucking kids texted in their votes between mouthfulls of chicken nuggets in front of Saturday night telly at their gran's, this doesn't make them fucking talented!! How come all of a sudden the office goon who insists on pulling daft faces all the time and singing Robbie Williams songs in the bus queue is suddenly being encouraged to become a fucking singer? These c*nts do not need encouraging, they need a fucking slap! Fuck this record, fuck X-Factor and all the other naff TV talent contests and fuck that fucking Simon Cowell all the way into next century! You've ruined my Xmas already you arrogant rich bastard!! I hope Santa brings you a stocking full of shite!!!